During this battle we call grief, we must remember only our hearts know how to win the war.

Yours Truly

My philosophical intuition warns me

Unchecked curiosity is a dangerous thing. Yet —

My heart says: By all means, question away! But —

If you’re going to stand on the front lines Expectant —

My mind reminds me: Be certain you’re ready for the answers.

Speaking of answers, I’d love yours. Thank you in advance for your comments.

Everything I’m seeing is red

My days are real blue

Now, I’m stuck in the purple — No idea what to do.

Trying to make sense of something truly horrific is horrific in itself. The knowledge is power rule applies to every facet of my life because I don’t only want to understand, I have to understand. It’s my coping mechanism. I’ve learned the hard way, on multiple occasions, that not everything can be understood, there are events I’ll NEVER figure out, reasons behind stuff I’m unable to expose. I may never fill in all the blanks but yet — here I am. Trying to make things, make sense. Guess what? Even if you sit and think really hard, it still doesn’t. In the midst of my thinking, here’s what has come to fruition:

Making sense is like trying to make closure. You either get it or you don’t. You can no sooner create sense than you can create closure. Either it’s an option or it’s not. EEHH’NNT! WRONG. I don’t know, I’ve argued with myself all day. You can teach reason, to a point, try to make someone see sense—hopefully, eventually, independent logic will kick in. What of closure? It’s a slippery slope because of the highly variable nature specific to the individual. You can teach ways to find closure too. I’ve experienced a great deal of grief and studied it, so much so, this chart is memorized. What better way to discern than to study? Unfortunately, real life situations don’t run parallel with books. God, love ’em, those books try but they can’t keep up.

An old post worth checking out: https://youlildickens.com/2021/06/22/closure/

You can attempt to make sense of things, as is your right. You can learn about grief in an effort to better understand your own, same with closure too, but you cannot create it. Closure is not a cake, in whole, or in a piece. Also, emotions aren’t always rational. Therein lies what is at the very heart of grief. When Emotion vs. Logic, emotions slaughter logic. What’s in our minds, doesn’t always match what’s in our hearts. Likewise, what comes out of our mouths doesn’t typically convey what we’d like. Here’s what I would’ve liked to say earlier but I’m going to say now:

Life has given me plenty of reasons to hate mine. There are times I feel like the Universe is trying to shake me violently out of my tree. When my reality is too cruel to bear. Plenty of reasons, plenty of times, in plenty of ways. Maybe I’m flying over the cuckoo’s nest but during deep reflection I wonder, not how or why or when…perhaps, I’m asking about another heart because I don’t want to focus on mine right now.

If grief had a heart what would it be like?