My life was like this mesmerizing machine. Round and round. Again and again. An endless circle of disorientation and dissension. Whimsy, not included. I didn’t stand in line for this ride, I didn’t beg to go, I didn’t buy the ticket but for the first 17 years of my life I had no choice.
I cannot begin to explain how bitter I used to be or how much I truly hated them. Perhaps, there are no words sufficient to convey the intensity of such feelings. Years of counseling revealed my past to me in a sort of reverse enlightenment. There was so much inside that I didn’t realize. I sat in a high-backed tufted chair, in a messy little office, twice a week, pouring my heart out to my psychologist. He helped me put a name to my pain and my experiences. He also, per my request, would never sugar coat anything. Doing that helped me pull more out of myself. Some days were mild and other times I took over the whole narrative. There were days I bawled my eyes out and went through an entire box of tissues. I carried on my counseling with this same psychologist for a decade.
I reluctantly learned bitterness and hate are ugly things, they grow rapidly from within, like so many twisting vines, wrapping and weaving into every crevice. Ultimately, it consumes all that you are and chokes out all that you could become. Allowing them to live rent free in my head, my mentor would say, don’t let em’! I knew he was right but I didn’t know how to change it, I didn’t know any other way to be!
At some point, you have to muster the courage to jump off. Because here’s the thing about carousels, demented or not, you NEVER get anywhere.
You Lil Dickens 
Leave a comment