The dictionary defines calamity as an event causing great and often sudden damage or distress; a disaster. Funny, I’ve always identified with this word because I was convinced that it was the most concise description of myself. Something akin to what my late Papa called me, “A Human Doing, not a Human Being.” I often was, and to some extent, am ever still, not perceived as a person, but more of an event. If I wasn’t in charge of the “event,” it seemed inevitable that distress and/or disaster followed me. So, Calamity became an unfortunate yet, virtual certainty; a kind of standard, a default. This revelation led me to believe and inform others, “I didn’t have bad luck, I had no luck at all” and let me tell you, you have no idea how true that is.
How I wish I could be
Something more simple than this version of me.
Not merely a simplistic woman
Just someone less complicated
An Individual that Another could see
Without ceasing to actually be the Me that is Me.
Out of place, removed. Separate, but a part.
Alone, myself I frequently find.
Out of place—out of mind—
Their’s and mine.
Drifting? Always. Always Alone.
Thinking? Too much. Too hard.
Both of which I am unfortunately prone.
But if I could be this other woman
Another heart, another mind, another soul
Would I like the person looking back at me?
Never short of curiosity. Perhaps like a cat
Tis the helpless thing that kills me.
Kills the will within—
Strong, Silent, Salaciously.
A swish, a flick, a quiet racket—
A snap—a sudden STOP.
Hope remains, in all its reckless subtlety.
A Calamity. Yes. This is Me.